Flour · ish

Six months later at the follow-up, I explained that the pain was slightly more manage-able, but only because I had stopped doing anything that could aggravate the pain. He ended the appointment with, "It's still not conclusive. It looks closest to early-RA so it may become full-blown in a few years. Let's continue to monitor, and I know it's hard but keep trying to live your life as normally as possible."

I smiled and thanked him, because I knew he saw far worse cases than mine, and he was trying to encourage, but inside I was burning with frustration and fighting back tears. Live life normally? I could barely get through the work day, sleep, or get my mind off the fear of what was to come in the future. And those were just the big things. I couldn't use a fork or chopsticks to eat or even open my water bottle. And then there were my favorite things: goodbye baking, cooking, painting, rock climbing (good thing I didn't care for other physical activities....) It was difficult to keep up with relationships, because I had no energy for anything social- my Friday night goal was to lay in bed with a heat pack.

It was a spiral of bitterness, self-pity, and hopelessness. But throughout the past year and a half, God has been changing my perspective in a few ways:

1. It is so natural to be self-focused and coveting. I was constantly jealous that others could do things that I could not. I really need to be reminded that I am not entitled to or deserve anything, not even the things we most take for granted.

2. When abilities, activities, and relationships were stripped away, I honestly felt like a different person. I still do most days. But I have to remember that none of these things make us who we are. At the core, my identity is entirely in Christ.

3. I have prided myself in being independent over the years, so I'm not used to asking for help from others. But in desperation, sisters in my small group typed up my work reports, church and family members dropped off meals, and friends called to lift up prayers. I am so thankful God used these people to melt away much of my bitterness.

4. Autoimmune diseases are often called "invisible illnesses" because on the outside the person looks perfectly fine, but is managing chronic pain on the inside. This makes me think of all the other invisible pain that people around us are bearing but not necessarily showing- be it depression, mourning, relational conflicts, loneliness, financial hardships, or other stressors. I pray that the Lord may use this trial to help me see and care more for the invisible.

5. I think perseverance through trials strangely allows us to see more clearly- that they are but momentary afflictions.


"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

adapted from Baked Perfection
makes ~36 cookies

These are possibly my favorite cookies, right after the classic chocolate chip. I'm obsessed with everything about this cookie: the chewiness, the toasted marshmallows, the graham crackers incorporated in the dough.

Ingredients:

• 1 3/4 c all purpose flour
• 1 c graham cracker crumbs
• 1 t baking soda
• 1 t salt
• 1 c (2 sticks) butter, softened
• 3/4 c sugar
• 3/4 c brown sugar
• 1 T vanilla extract
• 2 eggs
• 1 c mini chocolate chips
• 1 c mini marshmallows
• 1 1/2 Hershey bars, chopped

1. Combine the butter and sugars until fluffy. Mix in egg and vanilla until combined. 
2. Add the flour, graham crackers, salt, and baking soda, mix well. 
3. Stir in the chocolate chips.
4. Refrigerate dough for about an hour.
5. Preheat oven to 375ºF. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto cookie sheets. Bake for 4 minutes, and remove from the oven. Push 3 to 4 marshmallows and a few Hershey's pieces on top of each cookie. Return to the oven and bake an additional 2-3 minutes until fully cooked.

Today is the 3-month mark of my Clinical Fellowship (9 months in total), as well as the FIRST weekend that I have not been drowning in work! I didn't even bring my work laptop home this weekend which is miraculous. And so...I celebrated by BAKING, of course! It's been forever, so I went a little overboard. After a few hours, the kitchen was filled with pumpkin bars, pumpkin cheescake, oreo truffles, and cranberry white chocolate cookies, and I realized that I could finally update this blog again!

I have neglected it for some time, because grad school became all-consuming. Every weekend, my roommate and I would study at Starbs from 7am-7pm, and then continue until midnight at home. It was so fun when friends from church would stop by to study or even just to read or chat with us. Strangely, I look back on those days so fondly because as tiring as school was, and as mundane and routine as our days seemed, so much joy was found in these genuine friendships.

While I had hoped that there would be more free time with a work schedule, there has been so much to learn and research and constant paperwork to be finished. It wasn't until a therapy session this week with my adult stuttering client that my love for baking was rekindled. We were practicing his strategies and asking each other conversation starter questions. He asked, "What would you do if you won a million dollars?" And I told him, "You know, I've always wanted to open a clinic with a bakery/cafe inside. I feel like people with communication disorders, well, all people, need community, and that would provide a place for those at the clinic and their families to connect with others and know that they're not alone in their experiences." He responded so earnestly, "Let me know when you do. I'll definitely be there," that I immediately knew it was time to get back to baking.

I've come to realize that therapy and baking are two of my favorite ways to love others, and I'm so thankful that God gives the opportunities and the joy.


Peppermint Oreo Truffles!
**These are amazeballs, literally. They bring the Christmas spirit back, with no baking involved!

Ingredients:

• 1 pack of Trader Joes' Candy Cane Joe Joe's (these are so much better than Oreos!)
• 1 8oz. package low-fat cream cheese (usually hate low-fat items, but since we are straight up mixing this with oreos, you can skimp on the fat content a little.)
• Dark chocolate, chopped (~10 oz.)

Steps:

1. Pulse 5 cookies in a food processor until finely ground. Transfer to a small bowl and set aside.
2. Pulse remaining cookies in the food processor until finely ground. Add cream cheese and pulse until combined.
3. Roll mixture into 1" balls. Place the rolled balls onto wax or parchment paper. Cool in refrigerator for 1 hour.
4. Melt dark chocolate in the microwave for 2 minutes. (Check at 30 second intervals to avoid burning the chocolate.)
5. Dip balls in the chocolate by alternating between two spoons, and place back onto wax paper. 
6. Sprinkle the reserved oreo crumbles on top to garnish, after every 3 balls dipped, because the chocolate sets quickly.
7. Refrigerate truffles for at least one hour, and enjoy!!

I have been wanting to attempt 2 things for a long time: Bouchon's Thomas Keller Oreo's (TKO's) and french macarons. But they're kind of intimidating....

BUT. A couple of weeks ago, I woke up with a sore throat, feeling pretty miserable. Then, I heard a knock at my door, and my roommate came in with a HUGE TKO that she brought back from NYC!! I was so touched by her thoughtfulness that definitely brightened an otherwise dreary Monday.

And now that I had the real thing, I was so inspired to make it! Gah, it was freakin' delicious...!! Can you tell I totally fell in love with that cookie???

Homemade TKOs
adapted from Piece of Cake, from The Essence of Chocolate
makes ~15 2 1/2 inch cookies

There is an official recipe from Bouchon on this site, but it uses weighed measurements, and I don't have a scale here. So I went through a lot of recipes for homemade oreos until I found one closest to the Bouchon version. The difference is mainly in the filling. While most recipes use a traditional frosting, Bouchon's tastes lighter because it's simply white chocolate melted into cream, then whipped. The cookie itself is saltier, darker and much larger than most homemade oreos.




Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cups + 3 T flour
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 3/4 cup + 1 T unsweetened cocoa powder (I used Trader Joe's--unsure of the quality! probably be better to use higher quality cocoa)
• 1/2 t baking soda
• 1 1/2 t salt
• 15 T unsalted butter, cut into 3/4" cubes, at room temperature
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 8 oz. white chocolate, chopped (I used chips)

Steps:

1. Make the filling: In a small pot, bring the cream to a boil on the stove. Remove from heat and add the chocolate. Let stand for 1 minute, then whisk to melt the chocolate until smooth. Transfer to a small bowl, and let stand for 6 hours to thicken up (you can also chill it in the refrigerator, stirring often).

2. Make the cookie dough: In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, and salt, and mix on low speed. With the mixer running, add the butter, a piece at a time. The mixture will be dry at first, but over 2 minutes, will start to form a dough.

3. Transfer the dough to a work surface. Divide the dough in half. Roll each half between two large pieces of parchment paper to 1/8 inch thick. Stack the rolled sheets of dough onto a baking sheet and chill until firm, for at least 20 minutes.

4. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Position a rack to the center of the oven (I was short on time and placed a second rack below, resulting in cookies that looked like they exploded). Line two baking sheets with parchment or silicone baking mats. Working with one sheet of chilled dough at a time, use a round 2 to 2 1/2-inch cutter (I used a small glass for 2 1/2 inches and a shot glass for 2 inches--will someday invest in cookie cutters...maybe) to cut the dough into rounds (scraps can be gathered and rolled out again). Place the rounds about 1/2 an inch apart on the prepared baking sheets (they don't spread much).

5. Bake for 12-15 minutes, rotating halfway through baking. Remove and cool in the pan for 5 minutes, then transfer cookies to a cooling rack. Cool completely.

6. Assemble! Lightly whip the white chocolate cream to smooth it and fluff it up. Transfer filling to a pastry bag fitted with a 1/4" plain tip. Pipe as much as you'd like in the center of half the cookies. Top with another cookie to sandwich. Gently press down until the cream comes to the edges. Refrigerate to for a few minutes to firm up the filling. Cookies can be stored for up to 3 days.

adapted from Cake on the Brain, from Cook's Illustrated

• 8 T (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into 4 pieces
• 2 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped
• 1/2 cup Dutch-processed cocoa
• 3/4 cup unbleached all-purpose flour
• 1/2 t baking soda
• 3/4 t baking powder
• 2 large eggs
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 1 t vanilla extract
• 1/2 t salt
• 1/2 cup (4 oz) sour cream

Chocolate Ganache

• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 8 ounces good semisweet chocolate chips (I like Trader Joe's pound bars or Ghirardelli baking chips--both in dark choc)
• 1 teaspoon instant coffee granules

Cook the heavy cream, chocolate chips and instant coffee in the top of a double broiler over simmering water until smooth and warm, stirring occasionally.